Awkward Crimes

Every conversation with my mom ends with ' bye bye, see you, take care, be good, be happy, say hi to everyone'. Once, she mumbled "I love you" but then immediately retracted it by giving a concise diatribe on how meaningless those words -- thrown around like stale bread for birds to eat... I agreed.. yet..

After every long walk and talk with my troubled uncle in which we achieve self-congratulatory cathartic revelations on the state of the family and humanity, we do a mix between a handshake and a fist dab and say good bye 5 times. Once we attempted a hug but he quickly drew back as if there were steel spikes attached to my clothes... I did the same .. yet..

Every time I leave the room after yoga class, I wave good bye from a distance at my teacher who gave so fully of her knowledge and compassion and back pedal out of the room, my heart exploding with gratitude and so much more. Once I made the motioned to bow in appreciation of her teachings but quickly disguised it as an attempt to blow my nose... She laughed unknowingly.. yet..

Damn... could someone teach us how to say what needs to be said without the self aware awkwardness of a child peeing their pants for the first time!!

6 comments

Andrea Rimbault wrote at 6:52am on November 4th, 2007 I'm certain that you are looking for more profound advice than this... however, as a keen observer of human behaviour and a die-hard sociologist at heart, I must admit that I thing slowly, with each new generation, the whole human race is becoming autistic. Perhaps it is a result of the distruction of our natural environment (and then consuming the food products produced in this environment), paired with an addiction to artificial communication and electronics (computers, TV) that have a side effect of radiation. I don't know... but I do know that you have a point. Interpersonal communication skills are no longer marketable and appreciated. Social skill and Character Education as well as Daily Physical Education have become ministry mandated parts of the Ontario Curriculum (because children are lacking these skills and have created a need for behavioural programs within schools). What has become of our society? Delete

Heidi Thomson wrote at 10:00am on November 4th, 2007 My gosh. It is so important to tell people that you love them, and touch is essential to wellbeing. Neither are taboo or small jestures. Why don't you break this cycle. Give a hug, say I love you. You may receive some resistance at first, but I am sure that your loved ones will come around. For a warmup, you could rent anything by Dr. Leo Buscaglia (check the library). My neighbour lent me a tape and it has the following lectures: Together, Giving Love, Speaking of Love, Politics of Love, Campus Lecture (don't know what this is about yet!), Sounds of Love. Watch this with your family. He speaks a lot about the need for hugs and about how isolation and the lack of physical human contact leads to depression and mental illness. Really worth watching. Lots of food for thought. You may get some ideas of your own. In your case, I think a leap of faith would be good! Love and Hugs! Heidi ;) Delete

Julie Blais (Montreal, QC) wrote at 4:20pm on November 4th, 2007 Hmmmm.... Here's the interesting thing: Everytime I get off the phone with my parents, we say "I love you" and things like "I miss you" over and over again, to the point that I sometimes wonder what we are trying to say, what is really 'going on' behing these expressions of love. When we see each other, we hug each other tight, and give each other inumerable signs of affection, and yet... These things we say and do, they aren't lacking in the awkward self-awareness that you mention. They aren't even the opposite of inhibited. In fact, they often feel rehearsed, put on. Because despite all of these loving behaviours, there is such emotional distance. Sometimes, even, it feels like these rehearsed, agreed-upon as acceptable forms of communication act as barriers to real communication, real expressions of feeling. They are 'safe', and we hide behing them. Delete

Julie Blais (Montreal, QC) wrote at 4:56pm on November 4th, 2007 This is not to say that we don't genuinely love each other, or that we aren't truly affectionate people. But in having these behaviours posited as the norm they become almost coerced. So, in your family, saying "I love you" is seen as unecessary and maybe too saccharine sweet (if I get the picture), while in mine, saying the words and demonstrating the proper amount of earnestness is what's expected. Both situations lead to somewhat stilted emotional exchanges, don't you think? But what does this mean? Maybe, that to show any real, raw emotions such as love, gratitude or hurt (when not masked in a protectice layer of aggression) makes us feel too vulnerable, and so we are always driven to find ways to diminish the risk involved in expressing them, whether that is in avoiding it altogether or in setting up strict parameters for their expression. If that's the case, is the answer found in learning to be okay with the risk and to open up anyway? What do you think? Delete

Alexandra Edmonds-Bayliss (Ryerson) wrote at 8:44pm on November 7th, 2007 I think the 3 ladies above make such excellent points! I like to leap into things head first. I don't even worry about the consequences, most of the time. I'm a very emotional person. If I'm sorry, I say so. If I love, I tell. I express my feelings. It is sooooo important to have that contact with other people and to put away the fears of whether or not you'll scare them or make them back off. If they care enough back, they'll accept your feelings and be willing to reciprocate. To me, words speak loudly. Especially since I stared university in a new city and had to make new friends, I have learned to express myself in new ways. Sometimes, if you don't adapt, you'll get left behind. Scary. I think the best thing to do sometimes is to surround yourself with people that you are comfortable with, that inspire you and that you can express yourself to. Not everyone is able to open up as much as we'd like, but it is possible to help others start to feel close enough to do so. Delete

Alexandra Edmonds-Bayliss (Ryerson) wrote at 8:44pm on November 7th, 2007 P.S. I'm always here to talk. I really love deep, open conversation :)